


I Saw a Ghost

by Ottermidnight



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Angst, Drama, Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Psychological Trauma, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-03
Updated: 2015-07-03
Packaged: 2018-04-07 12:06:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4262703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ottermidnight/pseuds/Ottermidnight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I saw a ghost.”</p>
<p>“A ghost of the man I loved. I’ve seen Harry Hart.”</p>
<p>Merlin confessed shamelessly to his psychiatrist on the session.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Saw a Ghost

**Author's Note:**

> If you're not prepare to cry a river, you might want to close this fanfic down.
> 
> This version is unbetaed and English is not my mother-tongue.  
> And please don't hate me after you've read it.
> 
> Enjoys!
> 
> Btw, I'm looking for a beta, if you're interested, please let me know.
> 
> ฟิคนี้ถูกรวมอยู่ในแอนโธที่ชื่อ Clandesinity Has Its Place สามารถสั่งซื้อทางไปรได้ตามลิงค์นี้ (ภายในวันที่ 12 ก.ค.นี้)  
> https://docs.google.com/forms/d/197EUwReunLKwygEum3VsiRWRtClPY9gRTPRp1KA0LWQ/viewform?c=0&w=1

“I saw a ghost.”

“A ghost of the man I loved. I’ve seen Harry Hart.” Merlin confessed shamelessly to his psychiatrist on the session.

 

It could have been another dream.

It could have been another delusion.

 

Merlin would have liked it to be this way, if only it did not hurt him badly until he wanted to commit suicide every time he saw Harry.

 

No matter how much he had been missing the man, he knew that his was wrong. This could not be real. With his own eyes, Merlin watched the man he loved had been shot in the head and fell down in a thud, and now with the same pair of eyes, he saw the particular man again. He was aware that a decent person should not be seeing dead people walking around, especially if that person does not believe in the ghost.

 

He thought of himself as a rationalist who would only believe in rational facts. To him, the idea of supernatural power was only false and fraud. He did believe in the existence of ghost as much as in God. But, everyone who knew Merlin well enough may also knew that he did not believe in God, not even the slightest bit of his mind and that was exactly his point.

 

His eyes must have been playing some kind of trick with his mind. Making it so hard for him to trust in them anymore.

 

He saw the man who he thought was dead sauntering in the Kingsman’s headquarter like it was merely another the he needed to drop by. A familiar smile on Harry’s lips made Merlin’s heart skipped a beat or two then fell out of its rightful place. Suddenly, breathing became a difficult task for his lungs.

 

“Good morning, Merlin. Would you like to go out for some coffee with me?” Harry turned his head and smiled at Merlin. He did not know he had been missing the man so much, not until the moment he saw him smiling. The brightest smile he had ever seen.

 

“I…” The words were lost on Merlin’s lips. There were so many things he would like to say, but none of those actually came out.

 

Harry studied him intensely. He was waiting for an answer.

 

The dead man was in the immaculate Kingsman’s bespoke suit. Flawless hair. Tortoiseshell glasses. A pair of slicked black oxford. No wounds or scars. Clean. Harry Hart looked the same as on the last day Merlin saw him.

 

A hand shook Merlin’s shoulder gently.

 

“Merlin? Are you alright? I knocked four times, but you did not answer.” It was Roxy’s call that brought him back on his chair in his office. Merlin was so engraved in his thought until he did not see Roxy and Eggsy entering his office.

 

“Jeeze, you look so terrible.  You should go back home and get some rest.” Eggsy came alone with Roxy. He looked concerned when he saw Merlin.

 

“I’m fine. I can take care of myself. Thank you.” Merlin put up his best to reassure them, but both of them were not convinced.

 

“Eggsy was right. When was the last time you had more than six hours sleep? What are you doing is not good for you in the long run. Please Merlin. Please listen to us.” Roxy insisted on her point. She saw the dark lines under Merlin’s tiring eyes and got anxious.

 

“Don’t be too stubborn, Merlin. I’m sure if Harry was here, you know he would…” Eggsy was in the middle of his sentence when Merlin snapped on him.

 

“BUT HE WAS NOT HERE!” Roxy and Merlin were astonished. They had never seen Merlin hollering at them with so much pain and wrath like this time before.

 

“I…I’m….” He paused and took a deep breath after he realised what he had done. He did not mean to yell at anyone. It was like he was just lost control of the beast inside of him.

 

” I’m…sorry. Could you please leave me alone? I’m doing well and if you do not have important matter to be discussed with me, please let me do my job in peace. I’ve to monitor missions and a world to be saved. Have a good day.” Finally, Eggsy and Roxy left without saying anything more. Though, Merlin should have been pleased to be alone again, but he did not truly feel like that way at all. He felt something inside just broke. However, he did not how to fix it or could even tell what it was.

 

“It’s okay, Bill. I know you did not mean it.” A voice at the back on his mind tried to calm him down. Though, it was not his own voice he was hearing.

 

He looked over his shoulder to the darkest corner in his office. Harry’s silhouette was leaning against the wall.

.

.

.

At the age of six, Merlin heard his classmates talking about ghost and the idea of what a ghost would be like for the first time. At the beginning, he was interested and curious to find out more about ghost, but not before long he lost his interest on the subject. Then he has epitomised that such a thing that could not be tested or proven by scientific approach was not real.

 

Therefore, in the world of science where Merlin was risen up, ghost did not exist.

.

.

.

It was dark in the bedroom. The storm was howling on another side of the window like the sky rained bullets.

Merlin was lying in his bed because he could not sleep. Not because of the rain was rumbustious. It was because of something else, but he played pretend like he did not know what it was.

 

His double king size bed seemed to be bigger when there was no one to share the space with him. Merlin tried to fall asleep for more than three hours but the luck was not on his side. He was so sick of this.

 

Blank ceiling was what he had been staring to kill tedious hours. He hoped to get bored then fall asleep, but it did not happen. Staying still without sleep only made the man felt more exhausted than he was previously. Merlin turned his head idly to the clock on his bedside table.

 

4:39 AM. He was still wide awake. His alarm was set at six in the morning, but it was seemed like tonight he was not going to get the sleep he desperately wanted.

 

“What the fuck is wrong with me?” The man groaned more like to another person rather than to himself. He hated whenever he knew he needed some rest but he could not get some.

 

Merlin thought there was no use for loitering in bed, if he could not get any sleep. It would merely be such a waste of time and time should not be wasted in Merlin’s opinion. The man pushed himself up and grabbed his glasses from the nightstand then walked to the bathroom.

 

It was a surprise to Merlin when he entered to bathroom to see the tap was leaking out a thin rivulet into the basin. Last night he must have forgotten to turn it off properly after he cleaned his teeth.

 

He let out a shallow breath with exasperation and turned the tap off. To Merlin, this made him feel unlike himself. Either Merlin of the Kingsman or William Hart the civilian, they were more cautious than the person he was currently. Merlin was never a man with carelessness until now. The dark mist of disappointment coiled around his mind inevitably.

 

“This is not me. I cannot be like this. This has to stop NOW!”

 

His thumb and index finger were brought up to the bridge of his nose. Those fingers were used to pinch and massage the space between his eyes. The man was angry at himself. Lately, he had been so forgetful with most daily routine in his day. It was hard for him to concentrate with the Kingsman and his life. The balance was what he lack in his life or maybe he never had it since in the beginning. Another skill he did not born alongside with the household task.

 

The majority of his time had been spending for developing and improving every single thing under his responsibility in the Kingsman. He could not sleep well so he had more time for working. Working was what kept him going through depressive each day.

 

The wizard of the Kingsman did not want to admit but right now, his work was the only thing that could distract him from all the crazed in his head and things he was not supposed to see. Merlin was a kind of man who would throw himself into work and he would work to early grave when he got hurt.

 

He would do anything so he did not have to come back home, to the place where his precious memories could pang him. His home did not feel like home anymore, not without Harry.

 

The tap was fully on and Merlin used to cool water to wash his tiresome away from his face. If had to be honest, he was aware that rubbing some water on grimy face would hardly make any difference. It was just another useless morning routine human liked to perform.

 

“Are you overworked yourself again? How many times do I have to tell you, Bill that what you’re doing isn’t good for you?” There used to a person in this world who called him by the name Bill. He knew that voice.

 

“No, it can’t be…” His voice was feeble.

 

The familiar voice which he never thought he would ever hear it again from behind his back. It belonged to Harry. The recognition sent a pang to his heart.

 

Everything seemed cold and frozen even the time itself. The sound of running water could not reach Merlin’s ears. As if he was temporarily deaf and lost in his own head. Only those lines he heard were repeating themselves into a loop to be heard again and again.

 

By surprise, the footsteps came closer to where Merlin was standing, but when he turned back, he saw no one.

The mixed feelings of relief and sad pinned his knees. Suddenly, he felt weak in his knees and his head ached in unison. Both of his hands were loosely clutched to the edge of basin to prevent him falling down as if his legs were not capable of supporting his body anymore.

 

Slowly, Merlin kneeled down on the bathroom floor under his feet. The air was sucked from his lungs. It seemed hard for him to just intake each breath. Sweats starting to fall down. Wet and slippery. The man brought his shaking palms to wipe the pale forehand.

 

On the next day Merlin made an appointment to see a Kingsman psychiatrist the first time in the morning. Things had gone out of his hand and he admitted that he needed a help.

.

.

.

Letting something or someone you loved has never been enjoyable. The memories clung to him like his own shadow. It was uneasy for Merlin to let go of the memories he had with Harry in that house. More than just a couple of nights he spent there in Harry's strong arms.

 

The idea of having the house whole to himself never come across his mind. Merlin moved into this house to live with Harry fourteen years ago after their one year dating anniversary dinner when Merlin told Harry that it was such a waste of time for them to live separately.

 

There were weeks they had had not seen one another face at all, usually, wherever a mission went wrong. Though, Harry never said a word about his lover working habit, he would not stop Merlin from saving millions lives. However, Harry always stopped by Merlin’s office to bring food and drink to make sure another man had proper diet, or at least something rather sugary coffee to keep up with.

 

Even though, things would be a lot more comfortable for each of them, if Merlin had moved in to stay with Harry.

Once, Harry asked Merlin to stay with him, but Merlin turned the offer down without a second thought. He told Harry when they started dating that he liked to have his own space to think and work. Of course, Harry was nothing, but a personification of a perfect gentleman walked out of the book, he respected Merlin’s decision. If he had to wait for his whole life for Merlin to fully accept him as a part of his life, he was going to wait. There would not have to be any more stress to Merlin top up, despite from his work.

 

Then one night with no sight, the same subject had been brought up on the table, but this time it was Merlin who said it.

 

“Each time it will be whether, I or you who need to call a cab whenever bloody time they want to see each other. Merlin began, breaking the silence in the living room.

 

“Wasting our time on the cab like this is not efficient.” Merlin murmured to Harry while he was resting his head on Harry’s chest one night with his eyes closed. Listening Harry’s heart beat rhythm always made Merlin felt safe and calm. It was his second-favourite sound, but the first one on his list would always be Harry’s moan.

 

Harry contemplated for a moment and said. “Then why don’t you just move in with me. My place is more than big enough for both of us. You can have the second floor all by yourself. Plus, I don’t mind to have a househusband to help me look after my grand chateau. Seeing you cooking breakfast for me and wearing nothing beneath the pink lacing I brought for you last Christmas would make my day.” Giggles filled in Merlin’s ear, following with light licking and nipping on his earlobe.

 

“Pervy. Have you ever thought about something else that is not related to your dirty kinks?” A smack landed on one of Harry’s cheek. A playful one, though. Harry stretched his arms to full length to present how big his house was in a cheeky gesture.

 

The way his memory played a trick on him was almost like the moment was happening again. Partly, it might be because Merlin was more desperately wanted to believe it was re-happening again.

.

.

.

A red circled around the date of tomorrow on the calendar in his office was what Merlin had been looking at for almost an hour already. He had another appointment with his fourth psychiatrist in less than eighteen hours.

 

Another attempt.

 

Another session.

 

Another talk.

 

Another evaluation.

 

Another set of pills he would need to take.

 

Another disappointment.

 

Because nobody could help him get out of this endless hell.

 

To Merlin, Harry wasn't everything in his life, but the man was enough for him.

 

Harry was more than Merlin could have asked for.

 

Harry was the best thing that ever happened in Merlin’s life. Without the man, his life had lost its purpose of living.

When Harry got shot, it was like the end of the world for him. The world he knew had lost its colour and light to the darkness.

 

Merlin closed his eyes and brought the brim of whisky glass to meet his lips.

 

“For another fucking emotional day I have to get through. Cheers.” He murmured into the glass of amber liquid for a toast and let his tears fell free. When did living start to become a fucking struggle to himself?

 

The man mulled quietly and alone in the study room as he sank himself deeper into what used to be Harry’s favourite honey-brown leather armchair. It had been almost a year and the smell of Harry was now completely worn out from the chair.

 

At the corner of his blurry eyes, he spotted a half-emptied yellow translucent bottle containing his antidepressant.  He stared at it for a minute before he got out of his armchair to get it. The white lid had been opened and thrown out on the floor haphazardly. Merlin tried to put all the remaining pills in his mouth, but some of them made their way down to the floor instead.

 

His mouth had taken as much as he could hold then followed with a full glass of whisky. Merlin did not bother to care about the fact that he splattered the drink on his white shirt.

 

All he cared about was tonight was going to be the night he would get a good sleep and if he was also lucky, he could have a sweet dream as a bonus.

 

Merlin made his way to the bedroom. He changed into his robe and went to bed, waiting for sleep to carry him away.

 

While he was waiting, a door creaking opened and the next thing Merlin could feel was the additional weight on the end of his bed. He knew who it was.

 

“Do you think you have made a right decision?” Harry was curious from where he was sitting. The man was facing away from the bed.

 

“Like I have any other bloody choice. I’m so fucking tired. I wished this could just end.” Merlin flipped his body to adjust his position. His right foot was now almost brushing Harry’s hand, but he could not feel any heat from another man.

 

“Then you should sleep. It’s getting late.” A hand stroking on Merlin softly like a ghosting wind without the heat. The touch was almost like Harry. Merlin looked up into Harry’s eyes. This time there was not glasses to obstruct their eye contact.

 

Harry stopped stroking and murmured. “Goodnight, Bill.” Downiness slowly took Merlin into its arms. His eyelids got heavier and keeping them open were impossible.

 

“Finally…” His lips creeped up a feeble smile.

 

“When I wake up, will you still be here?” He asked only half-hearted with low sleepy voice.

 

“Of course. I’m always here for you and I will always be.” The last thing he heard was Harry’s voice that he could not catch the meaning, but he was glad to hear them. Then Harry placed a kiss on Merlin’s forehead in the way Merlin liked.

 

That night was the first night in a long time which he went to sleep with hope in his heart and a smile on his face.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please do not hate me after you read it.  
> I did not mean to end the story like this but it just turned out like this for somehow.
> 
> Comments and Kudos are always welcome.  
> And you can follow me on Twitter @ottermidnight I tweet a lot of my writing lately or just poke me for fun.
> 
> ใครอ่านแล้วไม่ร้องไห้บ้าง ทวิตมาหาเราได้นะ55555


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